by John Ward
DEFRA Secretary George Eustace announced this morning that money does indeed grow on trees.
The environment, food and rural affairs Supremo issued a scathing statement about previous Prime Minister Theresa May’s “blatant lie” on the subject of money orchards, revealing for the first time that money trees are carefully cultivated under extreme security in Kent and Sussex.
But his message was far from being all Glad Tidings. Speaking exclusively to Saddam “Piggy” Bolt-On from Sky News, Eustace told viewers that “Government experts have detected several billion money trees in the Canterbury area testing positive for Novel Monetary Realm Virus Disease [Nodoshvid20]”.
He added, “As most of your incredibly knowledgeable viewers can tell Saddam, the word ‘Nodoshvid’ is obviously of Russian origin, and so we shall be imposing upon the evil Vladimir Rasputin the sort of trade embargo that will bring the Russian Bear to heel in very short order”.
UK Chancellor Rishi Sunak stressed that the deadly killer virus Nodoshvid20 meant there would be a shortage of money “for at least the next thousand years”, and therefore all employers in the private sector would have to pay much lower wages, whereas the Exchequer would reluctantly have to ask all patriotic citizens to pay higher taxes to fund the investment in new trees, and troops to repel reckless invasion plans hatched in Moscow.
Speaking from his secret onanist shagnest in Dagenham, Neil Fergus-Random told The Slog, “We fully expect Nodoshvid20 to mutate in the next few days, and start eating the Pound in your Pocket. To avoid such a critical outcome, it is absolutely vital for all citizens to be isolated from physical cash. We shall therefore be urging the Government to declare all cash illegal in favour of electronic money which remains virus-free and dead easy to nick for the purposes of fighting this deadly Nodoshvid20 thing on the average fuckwit’s behalf”.
Labour leader Sir Steer Calmer told Channel Four that “it is ridiculous for this unelected Tory cabal to keep on rejecting the philanthropic protection of the European Union given the obvious certainty of immediate bankruptcy at the hands of Nodoshvid20″.